if i can dream

I REALLY like the Hulu show "If I Can Dream". I love the cast, I love the house, I love the environment.... It just seems so much more wholesome than any other "reality" show. It isn't brutal in any way, besides them having to really push to get their dreams to come true... It's just so cool. Kara's my favorite. Then Ben. He seems like a sweetheart. I think. Not sure what I think about Alex yet, he's precious and all, but he's a newbie and we really haven't seen all that much of him yet.

Cars and whatnot

I really want a car. I feel like kind of a wuss, though, 'cause I really want it to be automatic... It's not that I can't drive a stick, I just never have, so actually I don't know yet... I haven't learned yet. I've only been behind the wheel of an automatic, so far, and only 5 or 6 times... Oh well. I've found a few gorgeous cars. Not just that they're pretty, (a few of them aren't , but whatever) but they run really well, and they've been kept in good upkeep. Not to mention a couple of them have been dirt cheap...

Does silence make the heart grow fonder?

Everyone loves this girl. I do too, that's why it's all so confusing. I'm so jealous of her, she gets all this attention and sympathy, plus she's older than me, and about 100 times more gorgeous... I don't know. I really hate feeling the way that I do, but I feel about the same way I did when I told my friend I was cutting myself, and he basically said "meh, whatever. Other people do it too, get over it." Then probably months later, my best friend cuts herself, posts a picture of it, and everyone fucking falls to the ground, so frightened, so "omg are you ok" about it... That's how I feel with this girl. I love her to pieces, but I feel like it's unrequited, and then I feel shoved aside to make room for her. It's like if we're simultaneously in spaces of complete and utter funk, she'll have hoards of people trying to make her feel better, and I'll have my mother, a cat, and Charlie Brown's Christmas tree... Maybe I'm just dispensable. Maybe I'm just there as a place holder... An ugly jacket, placed in a seat to hold a space for some other, more important entity.

I feel unnoticed, like no one genuinely cares, and like everything I do or say just bugs people. Everyone loves everyone else, but I'm not everyone, OR everyone else... I'm just this child who happens to be "eye-candy" in a group of adults. Seen but not heard. If you sit there with your hands folded, people deem you uninteresting, but they seem to like you more than if you say something that's not to every one's taste. And I don't feel like I can actually say anything about it because the last few times I did say something, I got called "stuck-up" and "bitchy"...

So I don't think I'm gonna say anything anymore. It doesn't matter what I think, I'm gonna get told off no matter what... Maybe it is just me, maybe everything is just me, and I'm just an insecure little girl. Maybe people will take me more seriously if I just don't talk...

mail and all that jazz

This summer, and last summer, I applied to California State Summer School for the Arts, and yesterday I got the confirmation notice that they had indeed received my application, completed to the T. Nice. Last year, they blatantly and rudely rejected me. With a small envelope. So, after that happened, I applied to the summer program at SFAI, and had a lot of fun in the arts department... Not so much in the social department. I'm far too shy, I need to work on that... This year, I applied to two programs, CSSSA being one of them, and the other one being CCA (California College of Art). I would MUCH rather go to CCA, but I suppose we'll have to see about scholarships and all that good stuff... I think I'm probably going to end up going to whichever one is cheaper, unless they're both within financial range. I don't know yet if I've gotten into either one, though, so we'll see..........

My little a's look like anything but little a's. I thought one I had written looked like an 's' just now...

Speaking of shyness. I have no friends where I live. That's not true, I do, but not one's I can hang out with on a regular basis... All my tried-and-true friends exist 200 miles away, so I have an amazing social life, but it's completely inconsistent. My time is divided between a computer, school work, and Santa Cruz, California. The last couple parts aren't so bad, but fuck, I'd like a reason to leave the house that isn't so fucking far away... I think I've made a sort-of friend with someone, but I have yet to meet him in person. He seems so cool, and I'd love to hang out with him, but my fear of rejection or eventual rejection always pops up and tells me not to bother... I swear, all but about eight people hated my guts at SFAI... That might not have been true, but that's what my subconscious tells me. I don't think I should listen, but damn, some of the looks those people gave me... And I got like, what, 4 hugs when I left? After spending over a month with the same fucking people?

....Yeah, it's definitely something I need to work on.

Not a very proud day

Woke up this morning, discovered I had gained another pound and a half back. So what do I do? Eat cookies and pasta for dinner. I don't know why, I'm plenty disciplined, but somehow I can let myself slip up like this in my eating habits. I really shouldn't, for my health's sake and for my self-esteem's sake. I've been on this diet for about a year... I really haven't gotten very far. I could have been over and done with it a long time ago, if it weren't for my almost complete non-adherence to it sometimes.

I should just say "I'm gonna do it" and just do it. I can do it. I will do it. I am doing it. I've already done it.

Here's my pledge, not to you, to me, but you can observe it. I'm going to take care of my body the way I can and should, because I have the ability, and the discipline to become a better version of myself. Starting at 12:00 AM on the 9th of March, 2010, I won't stray from the path in my eating habits unless absolutely necessary, so help me whatever higher power may or may not exist.

It's been a while

For the longest time, I forgot I even had a blog. I guess I'm not much of a journal-y person, even though I do love to write. I mean, I LOVE to write, but I more like to write out my fantasies and and fictional stuff where I feel pretty and I love everyone and everyone loves me back, but then if I did that I'd feel like a big fat liar.

Anyway.

A lot's gone on since last I spoke to you, blogger.com. My hair's changed about a million times. It's blonde right now, and just starting to recover from when I took the buzzer to it... I hadn't told you, but I took the CHSPE a couple weeks after my last post. Again. I didn't pass. So I've been studying my mathematical ass off so I can pass this time. WHICH I WILL. In fact, I've already passed, they just need proof, so I have to write it down for them.

Let's see, what else.

I still have a boyfriend (yay) though for a couple days I thought I might not very soon... I can't even remember why, but shit was going down, emotionally... Luckily I had blown everything out of proportion for myself, and he took what I had to say to heart, and now everything's alright...

And furthermore, like so many of us, image issues. Yes, "I'm fat, I'm zitty, I'm hideous," those kinds too, but I mean more "What am I in who I am?" kind of image issues... Punk? Goth? Emo? Hipster, Goddess forbid?I don't know anymore. People seem to have their own ideas, and like relatives of parents of divorced kids with combo- surnames, they want their side of the family to take over the second half of your title. I just don't know. I feel like I would know, if I found something that was just right for me... Maybe it hasn't been invented yet. I still have a while to figure it out, I suppose. I need to learn to be more patient.

I'm making a dress. I'm a little scared.

the syringe

I don't know why I'm bothering posting this here.

In my art class, I'm supposed to be illustrating an article about the...genoa(?) project... I had this idea all conceptualized and neat and tidy and everything... But, woe is me, I have another idea that might not work... My first idea was to portray the human body as a machine, so, I was gonna have this kinda matrixy painting of a woman in the fetal position with wires and tubes coming out of her. Now, I want to add in just how much money is going into this research... So I got the idea of a syringe full of cash being injected into this person, but then it makes minimal sense... You have a big black expanse, with a little white woman and big silver pipes, and then a syringe full of green papery stuff. SO here's my other idea: a big scary doctor is holding a syringe, and stuff is squirting out the top of the syringe. But here's the question... is the Syringe full of DNA and is it squirting money, or is it full of money squirting DNA?