Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Does silence make the heart grow fonder?

Everyone loves this girl. I do too, that's why it's all so confusing. I'm so jealous of her, she gets all this attention and sympathy, plus she's older than me, and about 100 times more gorgeous... I don't know. I really hate feeling the way that I do, but I feel about the same way I did when I told my friend I was cutting myself, and he basically said "meh, whatever. Other people do it too, get over it." Then probably months later, my best friend cuts herself, posts a picture of it, and everyone fucking falls to the ground, so frightened, so "omg are you ok" about it... That's how I feel with this girl. I love her to pieces, but I feel like it's unrequited, and then I feel shoved aside to make room for her. It's like if we're simultaneously in spaces of complete and utter funk, she'll have hoards of people trying to make her feel better, and I'll have my mother, a cat, and Charlie Brown's Christmas tree... Maybe I'm just dispensable. Maybe I'm just there as a place holder... An ugly jacket, placed in a seat to hold a space for some other, more important entity.

I feel unnoticed, like no one genuinely cares, and like everything I do or say just bugs people. Everyone loves everyone else, but I'm not everyone, OR everyone else... I'm just this child who happens to be "eye-candy" in a group of adults. Seen but not heard. If you sit there with your hands folded, people deem you uninteresting, but they seem to like you more than if you say something that's not to every one's taste. And I don't feel like I can actually say anything about it because the last few times I did say something, I got called "stuck-up" and "bitchy"...

So I don't think I'm gonna say anything anymore. It doesn't matter what I think, I'm gonna get told off no matter what... Maybe it is just me, maybe everything is just me, and I'm just an insecure little girl. Maybe people will take me more seriously if I just don't talk...

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